दाग नहीं – जोक्स अच्छे हैं!!!!!

लड़की – मुझे Jio का सिम दिला दो ना 😃

लड़का – अरे 2-4 दिन रुक जा

लड़की – क्यों

लड़का – बाबा रामदेव भी अपना सिम निकालने वाले हैं

लड़की – उसमें क्या मिलेगा ???

लड़का – उसमें डाटा के साथ साथ आटा भी फ्री मिलेगा 

jokes@www.mystey.com

एक खूबसूरत लडकी बस स्टैंड पर खडी थी | एक नौजवान बोला- चांद तो रात में निकलता हैं , आज दिन में कैसे निकल आया ?

लडकी बोली – अरे उल्लू तो रात को बोलता था , आज दिन में कैसे बोल रहा हैं

whatsapp-very-funny@www.mystey.com

पिंकी – 2016 में काफी कुछ हो रहा है हैना

चिंकी – हाँ और मुझे पता है

ये सब क्यों हो रहा है ?

पिंकी – क्यों ?

चिंकी – अरे सुना नहीं क्या सोलहवां साल बहुत भारी होता है

smile-female2

मैं एक हफ्ते से बैंगलौर में था पढाई करने.
जब हॉस्टिल पहुँचा तो कमरा बहुत गंदा था.

मैं हिंदी में बोला “रुम में झाडू लगा दो” तो उसकी समझ में कुछ नहीं आया.
कन्नड मुझे नही आती थी, हिंदी उसे नही आती थी.

फिर मैने सोचा और दो बार बोला “रुम कैजरीवाल, रूम केजरीवाल”.

वो फौरन दौडा और और झाड़ू लाके कमरा साफ कर दिया. सरजी के कुछ तो फायदे है

jokes=www.mystey.com

एक जिम्मेदार पति डॉक्टर के पास गया और कहा कि डॉक्टर साहब मेरी बीबी बहरी हो गयी है, मैं कमरे से आवाज़ लगाते रहता हूँ पर वो सुन नहीं पाती है ..!!

डॉक्टर – आप उन्हें यहाँ ले आइये !

पति : नहीं डॉक्टर साहब,
मै उससे बहुत प्यार करता हूं और इस बारे में उसे कुछ भी नहीं बताना चाहता,
आप कोई दवा दे दीजिये, जिसे मैं उसे बिना कुछ कहे खिला दू…

डॉक्टर : ठीक है, पहले आप एक टेस्ट कीजिये …
आप 40 फ़ीट दूर से पूछिये – HOW ARE YOU…
यदि वो नहीं सुन पाये तो फिर 30 फ़ीट दूर से पूछिये…
फिर भी नहीं सुन पाये तो 20 फ़ीट …. फिर 10 फ़ीट…

तब आप आ के मुझसे मिलियेगा, उस हिसाब से मैं उनके लिए दवाईयां प्रिस्क्राइब करूँगा..!!

पति खुश हो कर रात को घर में जाता है, बीबी किचन में खाना बना रही होती है…

पति 40 फ़ीट से पूछता है…
डार्लिंग आज खाने में क्या बना रही हो ????

ये भी देखें   महान इंजीनियर्स के महान काम - ( हा हा हा हद हो गयी)

बीबी जवाब नहीं देती…

30 फ़ीट से, स्वीटी आज खाने में क्या बना है ????
कोई जवाब नही मिलता….

20 फ़ीट से, जानू आज खाने में क्या बना है ????
नो रिस्पॉन्स…

10 फ़ीट से, डार्लिंग आज खाने में क्या है ????

फिर भी कोई जवाब नहीं तो पति एकदम से पीछे चिपक के उससे पूछता है…..
डार्लिंग आज खाने में क्या है ?????

तब बेचारी पलट कर कहती है…….

.

….

.
……

…..

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.
.
.
.

.
.
.

5 बार तो बता चुकी हूँ ….
“आलू के पराठे बनाये हैं..!!”

अक्सर समस्या होती हमारे साथ है और हम ढूँढते दूसरे में हैं ।

jokes=www.mystey.com

पिंकी – यार मोदी ने मुझे फंसा दिया

चिंकी – कैसे यार

पिंकी – अब मुझे काले कलूटे लड़के से शादी करनी पड़ेगी

चिंकी – तो पहले ही मना क्यों नहीं किया शादी से

पिंकी – अरे उसका काला धन देखकर ही तो
शादी करने का फैसला किया था

jokes=www.mystey.com

एक छात्र ने गणित के अध्यापक से कहा – सर ! अंग्रेजी के अध्यापक तो अंग्रेजी में बातें करते है | आप भी गणित में बात क्यों नहीं करतें ? गणित अध्यापक – ज्यादा तीन पांच न कर फोरन नौ -दो ग्यारह हो जा , नहीं तो चार पांच रख दूगां तो छठी का दूध याद आ जाएगा |

jokes=www.mystey.com

पति पेप्सी को सामने रख के उदास बैठा था |

पत्नी आयी और पेप्सी पी गयी और बोली आज आप उदास क्यू है ?

पती :- आज तो दिन ही खराब है !

सुबह तुमसे झगडा हो गया , रास्ते में कार ख़राब हो गयी |

ऑफिस लेट पहुँचा! बॉस ने नोकरी से निकाल दिया |

अब सुसाइड करने के लिए पेप्सी में जहर मिलाया था..वो भी तुम पी गयी |

jokes@www.mystey.com

बॉय (गर्लफ्रेंड से) : डार्लिंग… तुम मुझे कितना प्यार करती हो ?
गर्ल : जितना तुम करते हो जान…
.
बॉय : इसका मतलब है कि तू भी बस “टाईम पास” ही करती है…
? ? ?jokes=www.mystey.com

पप्पू – यार वो लड़की बहरी लगती है

चप्पू – क्यों उस्ताद

पप्पू – साला कल मैंने उसको बोला

“I love you”

तो बोली –
“मैंने कल ही नयी सैंडिल खरीदी हैं”

smile-female2

 

हरीलाल का पेट खराब था…

पत्नी बोली – “आजवाइन ले लो.”

हरीलाल -शाम को टुन्न होकर घर आया

तो पत्नी बोली — यह क्या है…..

ये भी देखें   New Hindi Jokes

हरीलाल — वही जो तूने सुबह कहा था कि
“आज वाइन ले लो”

drunk

डॉक्टर : डिप्रेशन की पेशेंट से-

क्या तकलीफ़ है..?

लेडी पेशेंट : सर, दिमाग में बहुत उल्टे पुलटे विचार आते हैं, रुकते ही नहीं…

डॉक्टर : कैसे विचार आते हैं ..?

लेडी पेशेंट : जैसे अब मैं यहाँ आई हूँ तो आपके ओपीडी में एक भी पेशेंट नहीं था.. तो मैं सोचने लगी कि डॉक्टर साहब के पास कोई भी पेशेंट नहीं है, इनकी कमाई कैसे होगी, घर कैसे चलेगा, इतना पैसा डाला पढ़ाई में, अब क्या करेंगे.. हॉस्पिटल बनाने में भी बहुत पैसा लगाया होगा, अब लोन कैसे चुकाएंगे ? कहीं किसानों के माफ़िक लटक तो नहीं जाएंगे एक दिन…!! ऐसे कुछ भी विचार आते रहते हैं…

अब डॉक्टर डिप्रेशन मे है।

doctor-looking-confused

2040 में कुछ ऐसा होगा—-

बच्चा – पापा आप पहली बार मेरी मम्मी
से कहाँ मिले थे

पापा – क्या बताऊं बेटा

उन दिनों 2016 चल रहा था

हम ATM की लाइन में खड़े हुए थे
4 – 5 घण्टे बात हुई और बस प्यार हो गया

smile-female2

गांव में एक स्त्री थी ।
वह आपने पति को पत्र लिखना चाहती थी, पर अल्प शिक्षित होने के कारण उसे यह पता नहीं था कि पूर्णविराम (Full Stop) कहां लगेगा ।
इसीलिये उसका जहां मन करता था वहीं पूर्णविराम लगा देती थी ।

तो एक बार उसने अपने पति को कुछ इस प्रकार चिठ्ठी लिखी:
देखिए पूर्ण विराम का आतंक:-

मेरे प्यारे जीवनसाथी मेरा प्रणाम आपके चरणो मे।

आप ने अभी तक चिट्टी नहीं लिखी मेरी सहेली को । नौकरी मिल गयी है हमारी गाय को । बछडा दिया है दादाजी ने । शराब की लत लगाली है मैने । तुमको बहुत खत लिखे पर तुम नहीं आये कुत्ते के बच्चे । भेड़िया खा गया दो महीने का राशन । छुट्टी पर आते समय ले आना एक खूबसूरत औरत । मेरी सहेली बन गई है । और इस समय टीवी पर गाना गा रही है हमारी बकरी । बेच दी गयी है तुम्हारी मां । तुमको बहुत याद कर रही है एक पडोसन । हमें बहुत तंग करती है।

तुम्हारी चंदा ।
परिणाम:-
पति का BP high

drunk1

संता बंता ने एक लड़की को किडनेप कर लिया
फिर उसके पापा को फोन लगाया

ये भी देखें   दुनिया के 7 अजूबे जानिए क्यों है ये अजूबे

संता – हेल्लो तेरी बेटी हमारे कब्जे में है

पापा – अरे लेकिन मेरे पास पैसे नहीं हैं

संता – अबे पैसे हम दे रहे हैं

तुझे तो बस छुट्टे कराने हैं..

jokes=www.mystey.com

मार्टिन लूथर ने कहा था…

“अगर तुम उड़ नहीं सकते तो, दौड़ो !
अगर तुम दौड़ नहीं सकते तो, चलो !
अगर तुम चल नहीं सकते तो, रेंगो !
पर आगे बढ़ते रहो !”

एक बिहारी (खैनी ठोकते हुए):
ऊ.. सब त ठीक बा.. लूथर भाई…
लेकिन.. मरदे.. ई बताबा कि ..जाए के कहाँ बा…

smile-female2

पति पत्नी किसी पार्टी में जा रहे थे

पति – ताला सही से लगा दिया ना

पत्नी – अजी जाने दो घर में पैसे तो हैं ही नहीं

पति – अरे ताला सही लगाओ
इसलिए नहीं कि कोई पैसे चोरी कर लेगा

बल्कि इसलिए कि कोई रख के ना चला जाये……………..

jokes=www.mystey.com

डॉक्टर मरीज सेः तुम दिन में कितनी सिगरेट पिते हो?

मरीजः जी 20

डॉक्टरः देखो अगर मुझसे इलाज करना हो तो तुम्हे सिगरेट से परहेज करना होगा, एक काम करो , एक नियम बना लो, सिर्फ भोजन के बाद ही एक सिगरेट पियोगे।

मरीज ने डॉक्टर की बात मानकर इलाज शुरू किया।

कुछ ही महीने बाद मरीज का स्वास्थ एकदम सुधर गया।

डॉक्टरः देखा मेरे बताये गए परहेज से तुम्हारा स्वास्थ कितना सुधर गया।

मरीजः लेकिन डॉक्टर साहब दिन में 20 बार भोजन करना भी तो कोई सरल काम नहीं है।

doctor-looking-confused

हम तो ऐसे ही बैठे थे पानी में पत्थर मार रहे थे…
.
.
अचानक से एक मेंढ़क निकला और बोला…
“पानी में तो आ साले…
तेरी उदासी उतारू”

अपनी वाली की चक्कर में तूने
मेरी वाली का शिर फोड़ दिया…
? ? ?

jokes@www.mystey.com

पापाः बेटा तुम्हारे रिजल्ट का क्या हुआ?
पप्पुः पापा 80% आये है ।

पापाः पर मार्कशीट पर 40% लिखा है?
पप्पूः बाकी के 40% आधारकार्ड लिंक होनेपर सीधे अकाऊंट में आएंगे।

पापा बेहोश..

 

 

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